a walk to remember...

i'm very much anticipating for the big day tomorrow.
and this prayer has continuously been repeated in my heart,
that everything will be in smooth sailing,
that the Almighty will always be with us and bless us as the ride begins..

updated @ 25 April, 11:11pm:
the blog above was written on the night before our new business was launched.
the business itself is indeed, one of the things to be proud of in my life.
and no matter how rough the path would be, i'll fight for its survival.. =)

i need to cast-off the load that's been hanging on my shoulder the last few days.
and today, i simply laughed too much. now i greatly hope i would have to drop no tear afterward.
i desire to prove that the myth i've been holding on since i was a little kid is completely wrong;
that next to an immense hilarity, grief is patiently waiting just around the corner.

i was reading this amazing book titled "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren and found three important truths:
1) The best use of life is LoVe,
2) The best expression of love is TiMe, and
3) The best time to love is NoW.
wow. what a revelation!!

how you perceive problems depends on how you see yourself.
and the way you see a problem, is indeed the problem itself.

it has to be ended before it even gets started.

arsip pribadi percakapan dengan seseorang:
"8 years without seeing me,
2 days of acquaintance,
lifetime to forget,
which one is longer?"
the answer i got: "the 2 days".

i now have this new question in my heart: did you really think about it before you gave me the answer?

i went to EX tonight with my family. we drove from home at about 8 o'clock, and mannn!! since i've never been there before, i didn't expect the place to be that crowded during weekend!!
we nearly went back home coz there's no parking spot left. but finally, after we exited to PI, heaven was kind enough to give us a slot just at the right time.. =)
so there i was, bener2 asli kayak anak kampung yg baru masuk kota. i really really loved that place (apart from its crowdedness!). unique n cute n unusual n extraordinary thingies just seemed to be all over the place. literally. i don't often see in other places the thingies they sell in EX (duh, am i that kampung?).
n kesimpulannya issss.. i've found a new, great place to hang out here in Jkt yg bener2 "gua banget", but.. still don't know who i can ask to go out with.. =(

addition: someone made that "midnight" 8mins13secs call again. hey you!!, although i'd surely be happy whenever i hear your voice over the phone line, don't make it as a habit, okay?! otherwise, i'd go crazy once you stop calling me for whatever reason.. =) besides, you too would lose all your "after-all-these-years" savings in no time if you insist to hear my voice on your mobile!! *blink*

fool you, aai!!!!

i broke it. and i'm really sorry. i know i have no excuse. but i do promise i wud be more careful next time. just bear with me for the time being. i'm still adjusting myself in this process of waiting.

today (or should i say yesterday, coz it's 1.11 am now..) i was so glad to finally find back two persons from my past..; an old-time friend from my junior-high years, and my "lost but now found" big brother.
just as i prepared myself to go back home from work, the office phone rang. it's really a surprise to get a call in a fine evening from a person who's been out of sight for ages. we talked, we shared, we joked and we laughed for approximately 45mins before i finally realized that i should be rushing to another place for another appointment. i felt so hesitant to end it, but the phone call surely made my afternoon.
then later at night, we incidentally met over the chat line and continue our A-Z conversation for almost 3hrs!! (apart from the short delays causing by the unstable internet connection.. =p).

at one point when we was having that stirring conversation, i got another buzz from my "i'd be really happy if i could see him now!!" brother..! so there i was, having great conversations with those two amazing guys. no minute left with my focus leaving the computer screen, and our chitchats flew continuously till our eyes warned us that we're a bit off-the-limit. then just before we wrapped up for the day, my brother specially made a long distance call for abt 20mins, from another continent miles away, just to hear my voice and say good nite.

whew!! what a beautiful day for me, today. i wonder if heaven's not smiling with me.. =)

i felt so free today in the office!!
apart from the tiredness i've felt these last few days from lack of sleep (that caused me to literally slept for abt 20mins on my office desk 2day), i was soooooo relieved coz the project that i've been handling for approx. 6 months since i first joined my company is now done. finished. over!!!
i guess i can now give an applause to myself, can't i ? =)
well, good work should always be rewarded, shouldn't it? *grin*

if, and only if =), someone asks this question to you, "Would you marry me?",
what answer would you give, and how would you answer it?

i don't want you to feel ashamed to have me in your life.
so just go n find your better half..,
i sincerely release you.

should i take the sleeping pills to get rid of this insomnia problem that's been haunting me back these last few days?
i hope not.

i feel like there are so many butterflies flying around inside my stomach.
what kind of "morning sickness" is this?

i don't care what others think of me,
as long as i live my life being at peace with myself,
and God.

a heartening conversation started from 20:57:21 for 10:16mins last nite..
a sweet reminder that from all creations of the heaven and earth, LOVE is indeed the most precious.. =)

pada suatu waktu, di penghujung malam bertahun-tahun yang lalu dalam perjalanan pulang di pinggir jalan yang sepi, sebuah sosok yang kukagumi, yang adalah bagaikan seorang kakak bagiku, pernah berkata begini, "Non, aku itu menerima kamu apa adanya."
waktu itu aku tidak begitu menghiraukannya. bahkan aku tidak menanggapinya. karena bagiku kata-kata itu terdengar begitu menyakitkan, seolah-olah aku adalah seorang mahluk lemah yang tidak berdaya yang sudah sepantasnya dikasihani.
hari ini, beribu-ribu hari setelah kata-kata itu terucap, aku baru memahami maknanya. saat aku telah berhasil menyingkirkan segala keangkuhan dalam hati, aku baru menyadarinya. bahwa itu adalah sebuah ungkapan cinta kasih seorang kakak terhadap adiknya. bahasa perlindungan yang tidak ternilai harganya. betapa ia menginginkanku untuk tidak terluka.
namun semuanya sudah terlambat. aku telah memilih jalanku sendiri, meskipun akhirnya harus kusesali.
dan saat ini, aku hanya ingin berkata, "maafkan aku, kakak. aku begitu sombong. aku begitu angkuh untuk mengakui betapa rapuhnya aku di saat-saat itu. dan aku merindukanmu, kak. sungguh, aku merindukan tanganmu yang kokoh memeluk pundakku. dan aku kangen jeweran sayangmu di kupingku. seperti dulu.."
mungkinkah suatu hari nanti kita kembali ke masa itu, kakak?

ps: for a brother.. today i really really miss you, more than ever.

i wish my brain was created with "delete", "undo" and "esc" buttons with it..
but since it wasn't,
all that i could do is to direct it well.. =)

today was my first time seeing the actual scar of my operation.
and the wound was quite scarry.
the doctor advised that it has already taken longer period to heal than it should,
and no one knows how long will it be until it's completely healed.
i just hope that these physical wounds would heal much, much faster
than the wounds left in my heart from past hurts and rejections.

was it a mistake?
i hope not..

updated @ 22 March, 10:12 pm:
i desperately needed someone to share, thus i chose you.
now i wonder if my choice was the wisest.
and i do hope that you, my chosen one, would respect my selection;
by any means, at all time.
thank you.

Four (or five?) farewells in a year's quarter.
Isn’t it just a little bit too much?

A year had left behind us…
I breathed the autumn breeze,
I fought the winter chill,
I smelled the spring scent,
And I survived the summer heat,
Without you.
But today,
I’m plainly glad to know that we're still friends.
Happy 25th birthday!!

it was raining cats and dogs this afternoon just before i headed back home from work.
and as i was climbing up the stairs up to my room,
i took a glimpse of the cloudy sky outside the window pane.
then i suddenly imagined of a steaming mug of hot chocolate,
accompanied with a piece or two macadamia n white choc chips cookie.
mmhhh.. heaven would surely seem closer instantly.. ^-*

i felt like dying today in the office.
i hope i would soon get over this job "nightmare".. ='(

updated @ 18 March, 7:31 am:
plus, a short period of resting afterward would gladly be accepted, too.
i beg..

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go but I know,
I'll think of you every step of the way.
And I will always love you,
I will always love you..

You, my darling you..

Bittersweet memories,
that is all I am taking with me.
So goodbye, please don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you need.

I hope life treats you kind,
And I hope you have
all you've dreamed of.
and I wish to you joy, and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you..

"I Will Always Love You"
by Whitney Houston

ps: for you, there..
i've never wanted to say farewell.. coz a relationship is bulilt not to be ended..

an encouragement message received on my mobile this morning 08:00:01 a.m., from a dear auntie..
"ai. it's o.k. jangan biarkan dirimu terombang ambing situasi. tentukan sikap apa yg sdh jadi keputusanmu."

much thanks, auntie..
and yes, i'll keep stand on my decision, even if it means the worst.

Mungkin hanya Tuhan
Yang tahu s'galanya
Apa yang kuinginkan
Di saat-saat ini

Kau tak 'kan percaya
Kau slalu di hati
Haruskah ku-menangis
Tuk menyatakan yang sesungguhnya

Kau lah segalanya untukku
Kau lah curahan hati ini
Tak mungkin kumelupakanmu
Tiada lagi yang kuharap hanya kau seorang..

"Kaulah Segalanya"
by Ruth Sahanaya

ps: for you, still..

i had so many things to write flashing in my mind during the weekend.
too bad, my comp & internet connection crashed down those days.
and now, i couldn't remember even just one of them.
c r a p!!

i'm missing a hug of a brother.
and although i was trying not to sound melancholy,
i miss the feeling of being given fresh flowers, too..
well, anyone has the right to express whatever's in their hearts, right?
at least, i've been honest to myself.. =)

i force myself not to cry anymore,
not even a tear.
no matter how fragile i am,
i have to be strong.
at least over these matters,
coz i know my period of hiding is now over.

Kemaren malem ada kejadian memalukan. Jadi ceritanya gua n dua temen dari kantor, Fitri n Yani, ada apppointment sama pemiliknya FreshCorn di Carrefour Puri jam 7. Sebelum ktemuan, kita janjian mau dinner bareng2 dulu di Aishiteru PuriMal.
Udah selesai makan, udah bayar, udah mau jalan keluar, tanpa nyadar sama sekali gua melakukan tindakan bodoh. Yang paling pertama sadar adalah si Yani. Dia nunjuk2 sesuatu di tangan gua, terus bilang gini, "Rin, itu gelasnya kok elu bawa2?" Oalahhhh!!! Ternyata refleks gua nyamber tu gelas di meja yang masih ada isi es lemon tea-nya, mau gua bawa pulang!! Padahal kan itu gelas-nya restoran, bukan berupa botol yang emang bisa di take-away. Aduhhhh gua maluuu banget!! Sampe ada satu pelayannya yang ikutan ketawa juga ngeliatin kejadian itu.

Satu lagi kejadian bodoh adalah waktu kita lagi jalan nyebrang dari PuriMal ke Carrefour. Pas lagi jalan di trotoar menuju pintu masuk Carrefour, Yani nunjukin tempat counter FreshCorn di lantai 2. Refleks gua n Fitri ngeliat ke atas dong. Jadi gua ga merhatiin jalan. Tau2.. di depan gua ada lubang!!! N gua.. emm.. apa ya kata yang tepat? Kejeblos kali ya.. Tapi cuma kaki gua doang. Abis itu gua langsung cepet2 "menolong diri sendiri". Asli gua udah cuek banget. Ga jerit (which is gua normally pasti jerit! =P), ga panik.. Malah Fitri n Yani yg kaget, he2. Duhhhh!! Ada apa dengan gua ya tadi malem??

Eh tapi semua kejadian bodoh itu langsung sirna dari ingatan begitu gua ketemu sama pemiliknya FreshCorn yg namanya P'Andi.. Doooohhhh.. no words can describe him better except: cakeeeeppp boooo!!! =P Asli cakep deh. Putih, cute gitu (awet muda deh!!), sopan, smart, n berwibawa pula. Pokoknya okeeee deh!! Sayangnyaaaa.. udah ada cincin melingkar di jari manisnya, hiks.. =P

Eniwei.. gua percaya kok my future husband pasti ga kalah oke-nya dari P'Andi. Even better!! Huahuahuahuahua!! Emang nih.. belakangan ini, gua suka ngayal di pagi hari.. ^-*

my body is feverish, and i'm shivering.
i need a total rest.
it's just my mind seems to act on its own.
i sense my brain is getting overloaded.

another surprise call @ 14:42:43 this afternoon.
only with a heart-breaking news this time.
i really don't know what to say, you,
but i do hope everything will turn out good.
meanwhile, please take a gentle care of yourself. for me. please..

a cloudy morning, a heavy rain outside,
and of course.. its soothing, distinct smell that follows.
hmm.. such a perfect day to sleep,
but not for work!!
hehe.. what a "morning"dreamer i am.. =P

i've done it well.
now i can rest.. =)

a tiring day,
but surely worth the experience.. =)

wish me luck.

i'm ill.
right before weekend.
and i have a side job to do on saturday and sunday.
couldn't life be better?
hhhhhh...

it's quite late now..
and i'm missing brisbane badly.
this afternoon when i saw a presentation movie about the lovely city,
i was reminded that i left a part of my heart there.
now, i'm in the middle of a transition, ensuring where my feet belong to.
and i do hope, the next time i visit the awesome brisbane,
i'd bring my special someone with me.

a heartwarming chat with a lifetime friend miles apart, just now.
what a perfect closing for the day.

ps: hey, you! i will make sure i won't be dreaming abt u tonight, just as u wish, he2.. N once again thank u, for sharing the load with me. I'm looking forward to our next chat 'yang bermutu'.. =P

how do we define the word "betray"?

you were the only reason i could finally be firm on my choice to get back to indo.
am i regretting that decision now?
i honestly don't know the answer, yet..

my head is aching.
thank God office hour is almost finish.

A belated congratulations to all Akademia!!
Especially for Veri, Akademia with such a humble spirit yet strong determination for success. His personality and story of life has been an inspiration to me.
And of course, to Kia, my favorite Akademia. I've been supporting him from the first, although I didn't constantly watch all AFI concerts and diaries. I don't exactly know what it is that he possess inside him that has attracted me to see how a bright star he is. It might be his innocent smile, or it could be something else. I'm glad he made it as a runner-up.
Keep climbing the stairs to your dream, guys!!
And I'm very much anticipating for this upcoming show!!

[Thursday, 5 February 2004 - Morn1ngdew - 3:32 PM]
"Sometimes in life, you come across a person who seems as if he/she was created just for you. That no matter how far you strand yourself away from that person or vice versa, life's strings always pulls you back to him/her, for reasons unknown. I'm glad I have that special someone in my life. I hope God will always keep him safe from harm. Take care, you. Thanks for always being there, eventhough always an arms' length away."

[Saturday, 14 February 2004 - Morn1ngdew, edited - 1:00 PM]
"Several years ago, I met someone who I fell in love with at first sight. An intelligent human being with a great personality. During these years, I've kept those feelings to myself, carefully placing it in one of the hidden corners of my heart. It's odd, how I can never get over this one person, no matter how hard I try. How through all these years we've always seemed to find our way back to each other, no matter how far we drift apart. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I am still alone up to now. He is still occupying that one special room in my soul and he seems so reluctant of leaving it. We've never discussed how we feel towards each other, but maybe that's where all the sweetness of our relationship resides. The not-knowing, the longing, and the curiosity that wraps our bond. There hasn't been one day that goes by without me thinking about him. There hasn't been one single prayer that leaves my lips without me whispering his name. To me, he will always be my valentine, wherever he is."

if you don't think i am important,
i think we'd better end everything. now.

"Naturaleza Muerta"
by Ruth Sahanaya
composer >> Jose Maria Cano
arranger >> Steve Wood

note:i love this song a lot. although i didn't understand the meaning, i was allured by the beautiful sound of the wordings. so i looked up the web and found the translation here. the song is in fact a sad story..

it's been more than 1x24 hours since the last time i saw NyomNyom.
i think i could now report her as missing.

NyomNyom was my toddler cat.
Found her and her sister peacefully sleeping in front of my office's entrance a few months ago, i straightly fell in love with them.
Believing their mother had left them stranded by seeing some scars on their face, i brought the cute kitties home and adopted them.
Physically distinguishable from each other, i named the white kitty with a black strip NyamNyam; while NyomNyom's the name of the one with yellowish fur.

Since the first day they're home, they'd brightened my days with their adorable nature.
NyamNyam was a peaceful cat, which preferred to sleep all day long.
On the other hand, NyomNyom's really playful.
She enjoyed chasing around butterflies, hunting caterpillars, or simply teasing her sister by playing around with her tail.
When the time came for them to sleep, they would cuddle in each other's embrace to find warmth on this rainy season.
Too bad i'd never taken any pictures of them, although whenever i saw their cute acts, the intention had always caught me.

When i was in the hospital about two weeks ago, NyamNyam died.
I wasn't really surprised coz a few days before, she was a bit sick and wouldn't eat anything.
I regret for not taking her to the vet. I just didn't think that she might be terribly ill.

Left by her sister, NyomNyom's still as playful as nothing bad had happened.
I watched her grow, and gee, she ate a lot..!!
Deciding to cut off some budget, i changed her diet.
I forced myself not to buy NyomNyom's favourite ocean fish flavored Whiskas anymore.

Initially NyomNyom would not eat her new menu.
But after a few days, she got used to it.
I couldn't deny that NyomNyom was one of the reason my recovery process is going well.
Just by seeing her playing around without burden, I was constantly reminded that life is beautiful indeed.

That night, i slept late at almost midnight.
Just before i went too bed, i saw NyomNyom sitting peacefully on the small bridge over my fish pond, looking up at the clean, starry night.
It's a view that I've never seen before.
On a late night such like that, NyomNyom would normally have slept on the carpet near the kitchen's door.
I thought she might just get that insomnia problem from missing her sister.

The next morning before i went to work, i spent about five minutes playing with her.
And i didn't know why, that afternoon when i was having my lunch break and doing some browsing with a friend in a supermarket near my office, i suddenly felt an urge to buy this surprise present for NyomNyom.
I knew she'd probably miss her old diet, so I got her a can of her favorite Whiskas, plus a large bag of dried Whiskas snack tuna flavored.

When i got home, i rushed directly to my backyard to find her.
I couldn't wait to see how happy she'd be to know i'd bought her some yummy old-time favorite.
But i couldn't find her anywhere.
When i asked my mom, my dad, and my maids, they said they'd been looking for NyomNyom the whole day, but found her nowhere.
Nobody knew where she was, and nobody had seen her going out.
I knew NyomNyom pretty well. Been months living in my backyard, she barely go out.
When she went out to the frontyard for some sun light, she'd then go back inside.
She just didn't want to stay out for long.

So I wonder where she is now.
And i miss her.
I still keep the Whiskas, just in case she'll go back home one day.
And i do hope so.
I hope the outside world wouldn't be too harsh to my cute kitty,
and i pray she'd be able to find her way back, safe and sound.. ='(

someone's been trying to get my attention.
i apology, you, i didn't mean to be ignorant.
i'm just busy at the moment. really really busy.
bear with me for some more days,
and i promise you i'll get back to my "normal" mode.

btw, i humbly thank you for reminding me to keep a smile on my face,
no matter how hectic my workload is.
it's surprising to realise how my presence could brighten your day. =)

I sometimes wonder..
How many personalities do I play?
On the surface,
I’m a bubbly, cheerful girl.
Teasing people a lot with my humor and jokes.
Till I hear them calling me “witty”, and even more, “crazy”.
But at times,
I could be a melancholy too,
Who choose to drift away from the crowd,
And sink myself down to the pit of loneliness.
Still on any given days,
I could be as still as the water without ripple.
Choosing to be out of conflict,
Taking pleasure in seeing people making peace amongst them.
Even so on occassions,
I could be consumed with immense resentment.
Taking full grip of my own thinking, perceiving that it’s only me who’s right.
So, which one is the real me?
i don't think many people know.. =)

were you really happy to see me,
even when it's just for a minute?

it was really a long, tiring day in the office.
the workload was unbelievable,
how the changes on the project has kept me running here and there.

without realizing, my body temperature has gone up a lil bit.
and as my brother advised, i need to increase my water intake.
i have to survive this assignment,
at least for 2 more weeks.

you go, girl!!

if i have only one prayer left to say,
it would be for me to have the courage to let him go.
i can't hold the butterfly in my hand,
least i would crush its bones.
so i let it fly,
whilst praying that my love life would be one of a fairy tale, heaven made.
if he's mine,
i know that it will only be God who finally join us together, beautifully.
but if he belongs to someone else,
i pray that his happiness would be mine too,
sincerely.

happy 24th birthday to my sis..!!
a lovely gal with a beautiful spirit.

how i miss u so, sis..
my prayer.. that your days of waiting will soon be over.

updated @ 6:14 pm:
when i was still in the office, she messaged me n told this great news that her "awaited-for-almost-a-year" Australian Permanent Residence Visa application has been granted. Today. On her 24th birthday. Isn't God amazing?

so sis.. when r u heading back to Indo?! couldn't wait to see you again. and i really look forward to our face-to-face chit-chat!! ^-*
and don't forget to bring me the stunning opera house, okay?! or the melting snow of blue mountain will also do.. =P