a walk to remember...

i got a wonderful gift this afternoon.
it was a book, given to me by its very own author, who's also happened to be my new friend n brother, Alfie.
the book is a mystery by nature, taken from an old Indonesian tale.. (sorry guys, i can't tell u more than that.. but if u're interested, just remember the title "Sasha dan Koin Prior" and go to ur nearest bookstore.. =p)
anyway.. i believe the book's great, just as the writer..; a wonderful, creative person with cool personality.
and i can't wait to finish the book before i even begin!! =)

it's still about dreams..

yesterday i had an sms-chat with a new friend, one i've just met 2 days ago on the IRC chatline.
i used to have this perception in mind, that some dreams just will never come true.., so let those dreams just remain as dreams..
but then i got this message on my mobile said, "It's true. Some dreams may always be just dreams. But I think some of those impossible dreams are worth fighting for." (Thursday, 29 April 2004, 21:32:47)

and my mind was suddenly opened.

last night i had a sweet.., a really really sweet dream.
(mm.. or to be exact, i should say this morning, coz i realized it was already dawn when i got the dream.)
i remember vividly that in the dream, i got an sms on my mobile.. a sweet message from someone i really treasure.
yet the sms was a bit strange, coz when i opened it from my inbox, it showed up as presentation slides, small enough to fit on my cell screen.
the slides looked so colourful in red, yellow, and orange, plus cute images!! but what attracted me most were the words it contained. the sms was full of encouraging words which i couldn't really remember anymore but the last slide which said,
"... (name of the sender) is really proud to have a sister like Aai."
and i still remember that in the dream, i cried right after i read the last word.
then i woke up. with a smile.
thanks, you.. for sending me the message. although i know for sure that it's impossible for me to get such a beautiful gift from you in real.. =)

note: these last few days, i often get similar dreams, only concerning different people. and i'm just wondering, what's happening to me? am i thinking about certain people way too much deep inside my heart without even realizing it? or am i just too afraid to admit that things could be worst in real life so that i inevitably keep that "truth" in mind till it manifests itself through dreams? i don't know. honestly. can somone please gimme the possible answer?

later this afternoon at work, my melancholy mode was on.
and i suddenly felt like going to the beach, walking on the seashore, leaving my footprints there.., then sitting on the soft, golden sand while waiting for the sun to set down.. watching the sky turns to red.., enjoying the horizon spreading its magnificent colour.., and playing with the cool water of the sea that hits my toes with its soft splash.

what a dream.. coz it remained in my mind still and didn't come true.. at least for today.

and instead, i normally went home straight away from work, took a bath under the warm water shower, watched a telenovela i didn't even know what the title was, ate two pieces of gorengan i bought on my way back home, connected to the internet, had a bit of chat with a nice stranger on the mIRC, and now, slipping my thoughts out on my lovely blog that seems to never get tired with all my complains.. =)

yet.. i still feel like the ocean's calling me.. n i'm missing the smell of the sea, the afternoon breeze on the coastline, and surely, the cheeping sound of flying seagulls above my head.

lovely.

marriage is a one-way ticket.
thus, from this day forward, i have to prepare & equip myself well till the day comes for me to take-off the breathtaking journey.
don't u agree? =)

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But i cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When willl my reflection show
Who I am inside?

"Reflection"
by Christina Aguilera

ps: a song, from me to myself.

i will let not the judgment of others
devalue my knowledge of who i truly am.

life is like a chocolate,
it tastes bittersweet.
but in everything,
just count the blessing!!

it's a real world i have to face out there.
am i ready?

i have to be able to stand the storm.
coz there are surely others who still need me as their shelter.

it is the only way
i can show my gratitude.
and i deeply thank you.

i want to sleep..,
and wake-up again never.

i just wish i know the next step i'd be taking.
at least on this circumstance.

lagi2 gw "bermasalah" dengan nama gua sendiri. sebel deh!
ceritanya gini, tadi sore itu gw n my sis ikut pertemuan Pre-Choice, sejenis briefing utk retreat Choice yang bakal diadain akhir minggu ini. sebelum masuk ke ruangan briefing, kita disuruh absen dulu sama usher2 di depan pintu. di kertas daftar nama, kira2 di urutan tengah-lah, gw liat nama gw betul ada: Airin Kristiani Slamet.
setelah briefing yang berlangsung kurang lebih sejam itu selesai, panitia ngadain absen lisan lagi untuk make sure bahwa semua yang dateng itu bakalan ikut retreatnya.
pertama yang diabsen yang cowok2 dulu karena jumlahnya ga terlalu banyak. setelah masuk ke list nama cewek, gw udah mulai siap2 untuk angkat tangan waktu nama gw dipanggil, karena gw kan inget bahwa nama gw posisinya ga belakang2 banget di list. ehhhh.. lagi asik2nya konsen dengerin panitia manggilin satu2 nama, gua tiba2 denger dia nyebut: ARIFIN Kristiani Slamet. Doooohhhhhhh!!!! Udah gitu yg baca tuh 2 orang, dan dua2nya nyebutnya sama2 ARIFIN!! Sebel ga sehhhh!! Mau ga mau ya gw angkat tangan lah. Dan pas mereka liat gw, mereka baru nyadar kalo mereka tuh lagi ngabsen nama peserta cewek, dan spontan dua2nya langsung dengan bingung nanya ke gw dengan mimik muka yg agak2 kaget, "Arifin?" Dengan lemes dan bete gw jawab, "Bukan. Yg bener itu Airin." Dan dua2nya dengan bloon persis anak TK baru belajar baca, langsung liat ke kertas dan make sure bahwa yg tertulis di sana itu emang AIRIN dan bukan ARIFIN!! Setelah yakin, baru deh dua2nya nyengir ke gw n said sorry. Huhhhhh!!!!!

gw jadi inget kejadian.. mm.. mungkin sekitar 4 taon lalu kali yah.. waktu gereja gw diminta untuk isi acara HUT-nya WKI di Brissie. jadi waktu itu gw n satu temen lagi, namanya Daniel, didaulat utk nyanyi bareng lagu "Someone Cares". pas hari H-nya waktu gw lagi nunggu giliran, tau2 gw denger MC-nya ngomong, "Setelah ini kita akan mendengarkan duet Daniel dan ARIFIN.." ampun dahhh!! sederetan temen2 gw tuh udah pada cekikikan ga karuan.. apalagi pas gw beneran maju ke depan, gw bisa ngrasain banget pandangan aneh dari orang2 pas mereka liat kok yang maju satu cewek n satu cowok, padahal kan supposed to be Daniel dan Arifin.. sampe akhirnya temen gw si Daniel itu berinisiatif meralat informasinya dan bilang, "Maaf, tapi tadi itu seharusnya duet Daniel dan AIRIN.".. n baru deh tamu2 yg laen jg pada senyum2 maklum.

gile ga seh?! kenapa ya orang2, dari belahan dunia yg berbeda, bisa sama2 salah nyebutin nama gw, n sama2 jadi satu kata yg sama pula?! duh.. mata dong mata dipakeeeeee....!!!! =s

tadi gua iseng2 ikut test ini, dan hasilnya adalah:

Anda adalah seorang wanita dengan kecenderungan berpikir imbang antara Maskulin dan Feminin. Hal ini dapat berarti bahwa anda :

Cenderung untuk berpikir fleksibel
Logis tapi artistik
Analitis tapi kreatif
Cenderung untuk berpikir berdasarkan gabungan intuisi dan rasio

mmhhh.. ada benernya juga sih.. cuma-nya ya itu.. gw lebih keseringan pake emosi n feeling kalo memutuskan sesuatu, meski ga jarang jg gw mempertimbangkan fakta2 yg ada.. =P
eniwei.. berarti gw imbang dong... ga terlalu kecewe2an, tp jg ga macho2 amat.. balance lah!! n i love myself this way!! ^-^

tonight i finally got the chance to finish this movie i've been postponing to see since january last year, thanks to TransTV!! and..
"i was moved. i was truly touched." (Grace Lou Freebush, Miss Congeniality).

i'm not who they think i am,
i'm not who you think i am,
and i'm not who i think i was.
but.. i'm who GOD thinks i am!!

kenapa sih, barang yang kalo lagi pas ga dibutuhin tuh kayaknya ada di mana-mana, ga perlu dicari pun udah keliatan dari jauh. ehhhh.. giliran suatu waktu kita lagi pas perluuuuu banget, tu barang tuh kayaknya dengan sengaja menyembunyikan diri di antara tumpukan dan selipan barang2 yang laen, sampe kita butuh waktu berhari2 untuk nyarinya, udah gitu kadang tu benda bisa tau2 ditemuin di tempat yg paling unexpected..?!
sebel ga seh kalo dah gitu?!

eh tau ga.. akhir2 ini.. tepatnya sebulan belakangan ini, gw punya "kebiasaan" buruk yaitu numpahin gelas pas lagi makan di restoran!! bener2 gile kan?!

Kejadian yg pertama itu waktu gw lagi lunch bareng keluarga di kafe "Star".. kafe yg menyajikan makanan khas Jawa Timur spt nasi bakmoy, bakpuy, sosis solo, nasi langgi, etc.. etc.. Waktu itu gw pesen susu kacang, n spt biasa, dimana2 minuman pasti keluarnya lebih dulu dari makanan. So sambil nunggu main meal-nya keluar, gw iseng2 nyomot kantong plastik isi emping manis buat ngemil2. Eh pas mau gw buka, t'nyata plastiknya susah banget disobeknya. So, gw keluarin sedikit tenaga dong, n tiba2.. plakkkk!! Tangan gw yg lagi mo nyobek tu plastik, ga sengaja nyenggol gelas susu kacang!! Jatoh deh tu gelas ke meja.. n tumpah semua isinya.. untung gelasnya ga sampe pecah!! Bokap nyokap plus sis, plus customer laen di seberang meja gw pada kaget semua trus noleh gitu kan.. Tapi herannya gw dengan cool bisa cuma senyum, trus manggil pelayan n bilang, "Mbak, bisa pesen susu kacangnya satu lagi ga? Yg tadi tumpah."

Kejadian kedua itu pas gw sekeluarga dinner dalam rangka wedding anniversary bokap nyokap gw yg ke-29. Kita makan di resto Fajar di lantai atas gedung Ranch Market. Fajar itu resto Chinese yg terkenal ama lumpia udangnya (yum!!). Waktu itu sebenernya udah selesai makannya, cuma tinggal ngobrol2 doang, mumpung restorannya agak sepi (sbnrnya wkt itu we're d only customer seh, he2), jadi meski kita ngobrolnya lama, pasti ga bakal diusir, he2. Pas lagi dengerin bokap ngomongin tentang petuah2 hidup, gw tiba2 ngrasa aus n pengen ngabisin sisa lemon tea yg tinggal sedikit isinya. So tangan gw refleks nyamber tu gelas, tanpa nyadar kalo taplak di bawahnya ikut bergerak, dan akhirnya.. tu gelas ilang keseimbangan n.. tumpah!!! Yg kali ini agak2 parah, karena tumpahnya pas ke arah bokap, trus lemon tea-nya ngalir sampe ke bawah meja n bokap kena kebasahan dikit, he2. Luckily, gelasnya ga sampe pecah jg, n gw dengan pasang tampang ga berdosa, cuma cengar-cengir ke arah my fam n pelayan yg langsung tergopoh2 dateng sambil bawa2 lap.. =)

Insiden ketiga terjadi bener2 barusan, yaitu malem minggu kemaren, waktu gw jalan ke EX-PI sama an old-time brother. Ceritanya kita janjian ktemuan jam 6, which was belum waktunya yg bener2 pas buat dinner. So, karena kaki gw agak2 pegel sehabis shopping, akhirnya kita mutusin utk ngabisin waktu di cafe sambil ngemil apa kek, yg penting bisa duduk! Akhirnya dipilihlah Baker's Inn, n kita cuma pesen kue kecil (asli kecil kayak kue cubit dikasih gula tabur dikit biar keliatan elite, namanya Madelaines) plus dua botol Aqua. Yg gw heran, kenapa sih di cafe2 berkelas kayak gitu, sesudah botol Aqua disajiin, tetep kita dikasih lagi 2 buah gelas, trus isi Aqua botolnya dituang ke gelas itu? Buang2 waktu aja buat nyuci gelas bekasnya kan? So.. there we were, ngobrol asik banget dari A sampe Z, trus balik lagi ke A, lanjut sampe N, he2. Sampe akhirnya deket2 jam 7, waktunya dinner, so kita memutuskan utk bayar. Karena temen gw itu udah mentioned kalo dia yg bakal traktir dinner, gw tau diri dong utk traktir yg di Baker's Inn ini. N datenglah pelayan nganterin bill yg diselipin di dalem buku item panjang dgn tulisan "Visa" di depannya. Setelah gw liat sebentar, gw masukin uangnya ke situ, n pas gw mau naro tu buku di meja, ga sengaja ujungnya nyenggol gelas gw yg masih ada isi airnya, n.. karena meja tempat gua duduk dilapisin ama kaca, jadinya pas tu gelas ngebentur meja, pecah deh!!! Praannnnggg!!! Duuhh.. seisi cafe langsung nengok semua gitu deh, n pelayannya langsung nyamperin sambil ngomong, "Ga apa2 kok bu. Sip, beres deh semuanya. Ga apa2 bu." Pake ngacungin jempol segala pula. N mungkin karena denger omongan pelayan itu, gw jadi tenang banget n ga ngerasa bersalah sama sekali. Malah sempet bilang, "Oh iya, Mas. Makasih," sambil nyengir lebar. Yg malu malah temen gw itu, he2.

Intinyaaaaaa... Apa sih yg sedang t'jadi dengan diri gw selama sebulan ini?! Gw tuh udah idup ampir 23 taon, n selama idup gw ini, gw terkenal sbagai cewek yg ati2 n perfeksionis n sangat menghindar dari mendapat malu!! Tapi sekarang.. Apanya yg ati2 kalo gw sampe bisa numpahin 3 gelas dalam waktu yg berdekatan?!
Udah gitu, dulu kalo gw ngelakuin kesalahan di depan umum, gw tuh yg udah bisa langsung jadi maluuuu bgt, nyesellll bgt knp gw bisa so stupid, but now.. udah bikin salah gitu, meski ga sengaja, kok gw bisa cuma cengar-cengir doang seh?! oh nooooo!! serem deh..
Eniwei, honestly gw jd kind of enjoying this new "character" of mine loh. Carefree. Easygoing. Cuek. Cool abizzz!! Tapi emang sih.. satu taon belakangan ini gw udah berubah banyak. N i hope, i do change to someone better than i used to be. What do you think? =)

i've just found out today, incidentally, that the new guy in the office whom i used to call by "Bapak" (coz he's married with a kid), is actually just a year (or to be exact, a year, 7 months n a few days) older than me!!!
geee!! why on earth should i call him by that word "Sir"?!

i've never asked to be born as an angel.

a divine rendezvouz with an old-time brother,
a light chit-chat at Bakers' Inn Cafe,
a lovely dinner at Pasta Matrix - EX Plaza Indonesia,
and a "wish-could-never-end" talk on the ride home.
what a wonderful way to start this long weekend!

now when i've found out the truth i've always been seeking,
why couldn't i afford myself not to get disappointed?

I received an e-mail with a lovely attachment that says below:
"God gave you
two legs to walk
two hands to hold
two ears to hear
two eyes to see.
But why did He give you only one heart?
Because He gave the other one to someone for you to find."
isn't it true?!